Guilt
I'm wracked with guilt. Guilt is on every side of me, crushing me and turning me into a piss-poor person to be around.
I'm guilty about doing well with my job and making a good wage for the work that I do. I can think about stuff like paying for a vacation or buying something spontaneously because I think it's cute. I know a lot of people who can't and because I can, I feel guilty.
I feel guilty that I didn't call my dad on father's day. I feel guilty for the imagined scenarios that could play out in a phone call that my brain kept spewing forth. I imagined this: His role - be shocked that I call, talk about something depressing like not having $$ for this or that, and ask me for some. My role - wait for the ask for $$, wait for the ask for $$, and give him money when he asks.
Last time I gave him money was about 3 years ago. He said he'd pay me back in a month. Three years later, I've not seen a dime. The last time we spoke, I sternly reminded him that he owed me money and that it wasn't a GIFT. I said I expected him to figure out how to pay me and that the next time we spoke, I wanted to hear his plan. We haven't spoken since.
He did call me on New Year's this year. I think it was spurred by the guilt he felt when he learned that it was ME who sent him the Hickory Farms gift basket and not my older sister. He managed to call her and thank her for her generosity. She didn't know what he was talking about. That's probably because I had the card signed w/ all of his daughters' names in age-order. I didn't return his New Year's call because I thought if he knew the gift came from me that he was calling to ask for more money.
I feel guilty that I've put my love of anything on pause because I'm guilty that I have no puppy to share anything with. This is the stupidest of my guilt because death is death and you can't beat it. You have to make it past it and I can't. It's been almost - what? - five years?
I'm truly suffocating from guilt and I don't know what to do. I've got a prescription waiting for me at the pharmacy. That'll help me get through the night.
I'm guilty about doing well with my job and making a good wage for the work that I do. I can think about stuff like paying for a vacation or buying something spontaneously because I think it's cute. I know a lot of people who can't and because I can, I feel guilty.
I feel guilty that I didn't call my dad on father's day. I feel guilty for the imagined scenarios that could play out in a phone call that my brain kept spewing forth. I imagined this: His role - be shocked that I call, talk about something depressing like not having $$ for this or that, and ask me for some. My role - wait for the ask for $$, wait for the ask for $$, and give him money when he asks.
Last time I gave him money was about 3 years ago. He said he'd pay me back in a month. Three years later, I've not seen a dime. The last time we spoke, I sternly reminded him that he owed me money and that it wasn't a GIFT. I said I expected him to figure out how to pay me and that the next time we spoke, I wanted to hear his plan. We haven't spoken since.
He did call me on New Year's this year. I think it was spurred by the guilt he felt when he learned that it was ME who sent him the Hickory Farms gift basket and not my older sister. He managed to call her and thank her for her generosity. She didn't know what he was talking about. That's probably because I had the card signed w/ all of his daughters' names in age-order. I didn't return his New Year's call because I thought if he knew the gift came from me that he was calling to ask for more money.
I feel guilty that I've put my love of anything on pause because I'm guilty that I have no puppy to share anything with. This is the stupidest of my guilt because death is death and you can't beat it. You have to make it past it and I can't. It's been almost - what? - five years?
I'm truly suffocating from guilt and I don't know what to do. I've got a prescription waiting for me at the pharmacy. That'll help me get through the night.
posted by Cee in SF at 5:10 PM
2 Comments:
Hmm...is this a Catholic thing? I've always heard about Catholic guilt, but I haven't experienced much of it first hand. Although I also suffocate from guilt sometimes too and I'm not Catholic, so maybe that's not it. Hmm...well, lemme know if you figure out something. Anyway, you don't have anything to feel guilty for, trust me. You ain't done nothing wrong.
Thanks, J. I have to get back to normal life again and I think I'm on my way. I'll send you another note soon!
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