Brain Fog

I realize that I come up with my blog titles before I write one word. I think I have it all sketched out in my head, but a lot of times it goes in radically different directions. Like this one will, but Brain Fog will still describe how I feel.

I don't hate work these days. I do hate that my colleague is leaving, but she's moving so that's a pretty good reason. She wrote me a note and handed it to me before she left today. I thought it was a thank you note for her goodbye party, which was earlier today. I mixed up cocktails and people brought in snackies. It was nice.

Her note was about how much she learned working with me and that I was a good example of a manager, etc. It was really sweet. I try to model best practices in the work place and it's nice to know that, on some level, I do. I was moved and it made me feel good because I had a call with my dad that made my head spin the night before.

I was particularly enraged this week with him. He had his two kids baptized on Sunday and one of my sisters went and posted pictures.

Everyone looked shiny and happy, dressed in their baptism finest. They rented a private dining room and hosted ~15 folks for lunch. On some level, I admit that I was upset because no way would he think to do that for me or my sisters. However, my anger stemmed from reconciling how he could afford that when he owes me so much money.

I seethed for a few days and it boiled over yesterday so I called him. It began with him being very happy that I called. That kind of threw me. He can chat up a storm when he gets your ear. Then the call took a strange turn.

He started sharing more than I wanted to know about a topic very close to the family. I thought I was holding my own until he started to get emotional and cry. I thought I was going to cry, too. But I didn't. I didn't because he was being stubborn and rude. I didn't want to validate his archaic opinions with any sympathy. I told him he needed to get over it or deal with the consequences.

To help change the subject, I demanded my money. He promised he will make payments beginning in July.

Lies.

Years I've spent hating him. And he has no idea. Why? Because he's to selfish to understand that I'm tired of being manipulated. I wish things were different and the older I get, I wonder if it makes sense to be so angry at him.

But just because he's my dad doesn't mean he gets a pass on being a decent, thoughtful person. And I am going to get my money even if I have to sue him for it.

All this and I haven't seen the beau to catch him up. I feel very alone and that compounds my various sadnesses.

Fog...