What's This Now?
The last post found me grappling with the bizarre and unsettling call from my dad.
Yesterday, he called again. He cheerily said that he had a surprise for me - he was going to begin paying me back that loan from 5 years ago. "Thanks," I said, but I thought that this had to be the beginning of a greater manipulation of some sort. He wouldn't tell me how much he was going to pay back, but he said I would be pleasantly surprised. He made me promise to call him today after I verified the funds were deposited into my account.
At 11:00a, I saw $500 magically appear in my account. It was more than I was expecting.
I called him this evening to thank him. He said he had been squirreling those funds away for a while, but felt it was important to pay me since I needed the money badly. I'm not sure I ever said I needed the money badly, but it absolutely will help pay bills, especially since the pay cut.
I had originally thought his scheme would be to begin paying me back, but ask for more money soon after. I thought his angle would be to remind me that he had begun to pay the first loan so by demonstrating this $500 good faith effort, and he was also demonstrating that he was good for the additional funds. But now I think he has another plan.
I think that since he has a new family, he's beginning to see how he royally failed rearing me and my sisters. He sees his sons growing and wondering why their father's other children refuse contact with him. I think his new con is to try to get me back into his life and to use me to help him feel better about his weird, archaic views that I alluded to in the last post.
I feel sorry for him. My sorrow is tempered with rage, as it usually is, because it's not going to be easy for him. I think he thinks he can still be a "dad" to me, but I am way past needing anything from a dad. His idea of family is so skewed from my idea of family. It's my philosophy that family takes care of family. However, if you abandon the family, you're on your own. He definitely abandoned my family.
Having him as a dad makes me really appreciate what I have with the beau. Before I met the beau, I thought I was meant to be manipulated - taking care of bills, issues, everything - only to get nothing in return. I thought I was meant to suffer and not be happy because that's just how things go.
It's not true. I have found happiness with the beau and appreciate it on a level I can't describe because of my experience with my dad.
Yesterday, he called again. He cheerily said that he had a surprise for me - he was going to begin paying me back that loan from 5 years ago. "Thanks," I said, but I thought that this had to be the beginning of a greater manipulation of some sort. He wouldn't tell me how much he was going to pay back, but he said I would be pleasantly surprised. He made me promise to call him today after I verified the funds were deposited into my account.
At 11:00a, I saw $500 magically appear in my account. It was more than I was expecting.
I called him this evening to thank him. He said he had been squirreling those funds away for a while, but felt it was important to pay me since I needed the money badly. I'm not sure I ever said I needed the money badly, but it absolutely will help pay bills, especially since the pay cut.
I had originally thought his scheme would be to begin paying me back, but ask for more money soon after. I thought his angle would be to remind me that he had begun to pay the first loan so by demonstrating this $500 good faith effort, and he was also demonstrating that he was good for the additional funds. But now I think he has another plan.
I think that since he has a new family, he's beginning to see how he royally failed rearing me and my sisters. He sees his sons growing and wondering why their father's other children refuse contact with him. I think his new con is to try to get me back into his life and to use me to help him feel better about his weird, archaic views that I alluded to in the last post.
I feel sorry for him. My sorrow is tempered with rage, as it usually is, because it's not going to be easy for him. I think he thinks he can still be a "dad" to me, but I am way past needing anything from a dad. His idea of family is so skewed from my idea of family. It's my philosophy that family takes care of family. However, if you abandon the family, you're on your own. He definitely abandoned my family.
Having him as a dad makes me really appreciate what I have with the beau. Before I met the beau, I thought I was meant to be manipulated - taking care of bills, issues, everything - only to get nothing in return. I thought I was meant to suffer and not be happy because that's just how things go.
It's not true. I have found happiness with the beau and appreciate it on a level I can't describe because of my experience with my dad.
posted by Cee in SF at 7:01 PM
4 Comments:
I'm so happy you have the beau too! I wonder if I'll ever get to meet him?!
Ditto. My dad left me feeling just like that, but it's taught me a hell of a lot about what I want for myself and my future family.
Be strong xxx
Piggybacking (kind of) on what Nat said: when you and the beau are blessed with your own little ones, you will see even more the rightness of choosing him. My own beau is such a good dad to our kids, it makes me love him all the more. Because it is hard work, and it's work my own dad chose not to do.
You guys are so sweet! Thanks. It's hard, but it is a good lesson for knowing what we want and for being the best people we can be.
Cheers to us and our beaus!
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