Enough with the Pity Parade
Yes, yes, I'm poor. Things could be worse. Let me illustrate.
Halloween - I hate Halloween. I fell asleep in front of our glass front door as a kid and woke up to find a devil staring down at me. I've hated Halloween ever since. Then comes Halloween 2004. It was a Sunday, which was my yoga day back then. On this particular Sunday, I decided to mix things up a bit. A gym goer described how much she loved the Spin class (a stationary bike class with loud music) at the gym. She said it does wonders for cardio and that the instructor was great. Everyone goes at their own pace and there's no pressure because all levels are welcome.
I was a healthy sort so I said what the hell. Spin, it is. Suffice it to say that the class was much more intense than I thought, but I listened to my body and did what I could. 50 minutes later - and after an especially fun U2 bit - I hopped off the bike. Hmm, I can't seem to stand because my legs are all shaky. Maybe if I sit... No, they're still weak and my muscles are burning. Is this what they mean about feeling the burn?
I got tired of waiting for the pain to subside to I made my way up the stairs and drove home. Wow. It still burns. Next day - still burns!! What's up with my muscles? I must just be a weakling. Day after that - I went to the bathroom and my pee looks like blood. I think I'm gonna call the doc.
She had me come in that day and ran some tests. She was quite concerned because the state of the urine could mean a few things - kidney disease/failure or something else. When I told her about my exercise class and after several blood tests, she theorized that I had something called exertional rhabdomyolysis. Blood tests showed large amounts of something really bad that if I had been a weaker or unhealthy person, I would surely have had kidney failure or died. That always seemed weird to me. I just wanted to exercise.
I continued working and walking with a cane to get around. If I had to go to the bathroom at work, the 2 minute walk would take like 7 minutes. I also had to use the disabled stall. Able-bodied folks like using it, too. The thing is I needed to use it because I had to use the bars on the side to get up and down. You know how embarrassing and maddening it is to wait for some healthy jackass to get out of the stall so I can use it!? People soon learned, but come on!
By December, I was still in so much pain that I had to get a wheelchair. That made things easier, but being in a wheelchair is a unique experience. You become aware of so many different things - where the elevators are, ramps on sidewalks, larger disabled parking spots - so many different things. You also realize how challenging it is to do every day tasks - shopping (I used the electric carts at the store), banking (making sure there was a low enough ATM)... Everything was weird. I used the chair for ~7 months. I also found it interesting that people insisted on pushing me around. After a while, my arms were in quite good shape, but people wouldn't let me roll myself. I know they were being sweet, but it made me feel a little useless. No, a lot useless.
Flash forward to August 2006. I am in physical therapy and I take Tai Chi. My muscle mass is building back up, but my body is still really flabby from not moving much for a year++. Yesterday, I took a long walk and I didn't feel any burning in my muscles. That was a first. I think that Disney trip really helped, too. That was a lot of walking. I'm on the mend and it'll still be a while before I'm back to normal. I'm still scarred - literally and emotional - from the battery of tests I had undergone. If the doc says you need an EMG test, run!
Things could be worse, but, thankfully, they are not. I had to learn a whole new level of patience, which I try to practice to this day. It's not an experience I would recommend, but I'd not change the chance to have lived life through that perspective.
Halloween - I hate Halloween. I fell asleep in front of our glass front door as a kid and woke up to find a devil staring down at me. I've hated Halloween ever since. Then comes Halloween 2004. It was a Sunday, which was my yoga day back then. On this particular Sunday, I decided to mix things up a bit. A gym goer described how much she loved the Spin class (a stationary bike class with loud music) at the gym. She said it does wonders for cardio and that the instructor was great. Everyone goes at their own pace and there's no pressure because all levels are welcome.
I was a healthy sort so I said what the hell. Spin, it is. Suffice it to say that the class was much more intense than I thought, but I listened to my body and did what I could. 50 minutes later - and after an especially fun U2 bit - I hopped off the bike. Hmm, I can't seem to stand because my legs are all shaky. Maybe if I sit... No, they're still weak and my muscles are burning. Is this what they mean about feeling the burn?
I got tired of waiting for the pain to subside to I made my way up the stairs and drove home. Wow. It still burns. Next day - still burns!! What's up with my muscles? I must just be a weakling. Day after that - I went to the bathroom and my pee looks like blood. I think I'm gonna call the doc.
She had me come in that day and ran some tests. She was quite concerned because the state of the urine could mean a few things - kidney disease/failure or something else. When I told her about my exercise class and after several blood tests, she theorized that I had something called exertional rhabdomyolysis. Blood tests showed large amounts of something really bad that if I had been a weaker or unhealthy person, I would surely have had kidney failure or died. That always seemed weird to me. I just wanted to exercise.
I continued working and walking with a cane to get around. If I had to go to the bathroom at work, the 2 minute walk would take like 7 minutes. I also had to use the disabled stall. Able-bodied folks like using it, too. The thing is I needed to use it because I had to use the bars on the side to get up and down. You know how embarrassing and maddening it is to wait for some healthy jackass to get out of the stall so I can use it!? People soon learned, but come on!
By December, I was still in so much pain that I had to get a wheelchair. That made things easier, but being in a wheelchair is a unique experience. You become aware of so many different things - where the elevators are, ramps on sidewalks, larger disabled parking spots - so many different things. You also realize how challenging it is to do every day tasks - shopping (I used the electric carts at the store), banking (making sure there was a low enough ATM)... Everything was weird. I used the chair for ~7 months. I also found it interesting that people insisted on pushing me around. After a while, my arms were in quite good shape, but people wouldn't let me roll myself. I know they were being sweet, but it made me feel a little useless. No, a lot useless.
Flash forward to August 2006. I am in physical therapy and I take Tai Chi. My muscle mass is building back up, but my body is still really flabby from not moving much for a year++. Yesterday, I took a long walk and I didn't feel any burning in my muscles. That was a first. I think that Disney trip really helped, too. That was a lot of walking. I'm on the mend and it'll still be a while before I'm back to normal. I'm still scarred - literally and emotional - from the battery of tests I had undergone. If the doc says you need an EMG test, run!
Things could be worse, but, thankfully, they are not. I had to learn a whole new level of patience, which I try to practice to this day. It's not an experience I would recommend, but I'd not change the chance to have lived life through that perspective.
posted by Cee in SF at 8:51 AM
3 Comments:
You've got guts, lots and lots of guts. Go you. I had read mention a couple of times previously things that hinted at a disability for you, and was admittedly curious. This illness was quite devestating for you, and I suggest you share your coping and recovering experiences with the world.
I'll definitely continue to share stories about this. It's so much a part of who I am. I find myself straddling the world of "normal" and "disabled" not sure where I fit in sometimes. I guess I still have a long way to go with my mental coping and recovery.
What a tale, I really admire you Cee - go girl!!! So glad you're slowly on the mend :) And I agree, I've been through some really pooey times in my short life, but I would go through them again if I had a choice - as they really have made me who I am today and given me a goddamn good set of morals and beliefs to live each day by.
*steps down from podium and puts megaphone away* lolxxxx
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